Tears of Love
by Noorlo
Summary: He cried. He cried when he told me he loved me. - Spoilers for 4x23 Always


**Uhm this is mostly useless rambling that I imagine going on in Kate's brain during ''Always''. It's based on the promos but I am fangirling so hard over them that they don't even make sense to me anymore so I probably got the timeline etc all wrong. Whatever (:**

**Hope you enjoy!**

…

**TEARS OF LOVE**

…

He cried.

He cried when he asked me to stop.

He actually cried.

He cried when he told me he loved me. Both times.

I sigh as I sit down on the couch; a glass of wine sits untouched on the coffee table; I can't bring myself to drink it.

He cried both times he had told me he loved me, and it just feels so wrong. Loving someone should make you happy; not sad. You shouldn't be crying while you tell someone you love them, unless they're tears of joy. But they weren't.

He cried, over _me_. Because he loves me.

Somehow the realization hadn't yet settled in; even after almost a year. I thought it had, but when he said it again; when he actually looked me in the eye, said the magic words and I wasn't physically dying, it felt different.

Like it was only then I realized how deep his love for me was. How deep it _is_.

So much is still unclear between us; how does he know? Why did I lie? Why did he leave? The list goes on forever, but one thing is so clear right now.

I love him.

I love him just as much as he loves me (if not more, although I know he would deny that).

I pick up the glass and start twirling the dark liquid around, but instead of taking a sip I get lost in thoughts again.

Damnit; why does he have to be so freaking sweet? Why can't he just yell at me? Why does he have to use this against me?

I don't want to hurt him by ignoring his pleads but I don't want to let down my mom by letting her killer get away either. I know he said I should hand over the case to another team , but I just can't. When we solve this; I want to be the one who puts the cuffs around the asshole's wrists, and I want to be the one to look him into his eyes when he sits across from me in the box, and I want to be the one to put him away.

I want to be the one to destroy his life, because he destroyed mine.

And maybe that's immature or childish; wanting that revenge so desperately, but so be it. I need to be completely sure, I need to have seen it with my own eyes; that his life is at least as miserable as mine, and hopefully ten times as much.

I don't think I can live with it if someone else -even if it's Ryan or Esposito- closes the case. I don't think I will ever stop wondering whether I could have done it; what would have happened; if my mom would be let down because I wasn't the one to do it.

And I am not stupid; of course I know my dad cannot afford to lose me, and of course I know Castle would be –what is the right word for this? – _hurt_ if he'd lose me, and I know it would affect so many more but I just can't… I just can't stop.

I know this case in an addiction; the police reports and files are to me what the alcohol was to Dad. I know it's bad, but somehow I have fooled myself all this time by telling myself that losing myself in the case is better than drinking, doing drugs, cutting or just going completely mad. But now I know that is a lie; just because the effects cannot be seen on the outside does not mean it is not a real addiction. I know that now. But I've lost myself to it already and after going cold turkey for so many months the need to investigate further is now greater than ever.

But he loves me. He loves me and I need to take that into account before making my decision.

I contemplate going to his loft; kissing him senseless and telling him I love him. But I can't. I can't because I know I will not stop investigating this case anytime soon, and telling him I love him would only make the loss even greater, would something happen to me.

And I love him, so I don't want him to suffer.

I can't tell him I love him _because_ I love him.

It sounds strange even to my own ears but I don't care; I don't want to understand it and I don't want it to make any sense, because nothing makes sense right now; everything is loose little pieces flying around through my brain and I wish it would stop, but then again I really don't.

The PTSD is still here and I know that with everything going on right now, another panic attack is lying right around the corner. I have to be safe, but I then again I can't because there are people chasing me and I am chasing those same people and yet we manage to slip away from each other.

It doesn't make sense either.

The PTSD is only another reason not to tell Castle I love him; I don't want him to witness those attacks, because I don't want to hurt him and because I don't want him to see me when I am so very weak. Because I love him.

I wish we were one of those boring couples; one of those who met in a bar and hit it right off. I wish it wasn't this complicated and I wish that if I would just kiss him, it would all be better.

But I'm not a three-year-old anymore, and kisses do not ease the ache.

Right know kissing will probably only worsen everything; complicate it even more, but I wish, oh how I wish I could just kiss him. I just want someone to hold me.

Fuck.

Now I'm crying.

…

**Let me know what you think?**


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